June 12, 2018
Hiya! I’m writing this from my cozy little dorm room in Stirling, Scotland, and I’m really excited for you to be reading this. This article is going to be formatted a bit differently than I usually write, but it’s something very earnest and to be honest, quite personal.
I’m in a completely different place than I was just 4 months ago, and I’m not just talking about the fact that I’m 6,000 miles from home.
February and March were some really hard months for me. I haven’t written much since then. I knew I wanted to write about what I had gone through, but I just wasn't sure how to frame it until a couple days ago. Right now, I’m going to settle for being brutally honest, even though it freaks me out just a little.
I was hoping to earn a starting position on my softball team this year. I put in the work exhaustively. I obsessed over it. When I was tired, when I didn’t want to run, when my legs were dead from weights earlier that morning, I reminded myself that if I pushed myself a little harder I would get closer and closer to this starting position. I became fixated on earning it, and I think it’s important to note my mindset was always on “earning” the position, not just “getting” it.
Throughout my sports career, I have always preferred to land myself on a team that intimidated me a little bit. Weird as it seems, I wanted to be the worst person on the team when I first joined - because I trusted that I would be able to put in the work and compete for a position. And it always worked out for me. I suppose this is the reason I came to think that my work ethic could get me anything I wanted.
However, sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. This year I did not end up in the starting role I had imagined myself in for over two years, and it was absolutely devastating. It felt as if I had failed. It felt as if I was never good enough. It felt as if there was no point… to anything.
I don’t normally struggle with anxiety, but I slid into a patch of anxiety so thick that I had to stop practice several times because I would have an anxiety attack and be unable to breathe. I was sad all the time. It was more common to have a bad day than a good day, and even on days where nothing really went wrong, I was still sad and tired and anxious, sometimes for no reason.
But, I made it through it! God was so good to me, both for putting me in that situation and for taking me out of it. God really worked in me during this time, and I knew I wanted to share His story, but wasn’t sure how to start.
Just a couple days ago, I stumbled upon a verse that made me realize - I wasn’t sure how to talk about those two months yet because I wasn’t sure what I had learned from it. Psalm 49:12 helped me make sense of my story.
People, despite their wealth, do not endure; they are like the beasts that perish. This is the fate of those who trust in themselves.
God, I am so guilty of trusting in myself. Please forgive me. When I went through a rough patch of anxiety and sadness, I could not endure because I was trusting in myself. I was trusting myself to be able to work hard enough to earn a starting position, and I was trusting myself to make the decision that a starting position was what was best for me, and that that was what I should be putting all my effort into. God, you have told me:
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23)
Lord, I did not guard my heart. I let worldly things creep in and take control. Thank you for allowing this situation to break my heart, even as tough as it was. It must have been hard to see me, your beloved child whom you cherish, go through so much pain. God, I’m so sorry for all the times I desperately cried out to you, asking you to change the situation, instead of asking you to change my heart. Thank you for that terrible couple of months, Lord, because it showed me just how devastating it is to put my hope in something other than You, how wrong things go when I trust in myself instead of you.
I know you’ve called me to be in this school and in this community for a reason, and you’ve been helping me see that there’s a possibility I was called to play softball at ISU for reasons other than succeeding in the sport I love. Help me to see YOUR reason and not my own, and help me to act upon it.
God, now I know. As far as softball goes, it’s not on me! I will work hard, and if you want me to play, I will play. If you want to use me in a different way and I do not play, then it is not my own failure to create for myself.
Change my heart, Lord. Help me to show others how to change theirs.
Hiya! I’m writing this from my cozy little dorm room in Stirling, Scotland, and I’m really excited for you to be reading this. This article is going to be formatted a bit differently than I usually write, but it’s something very earnest and to be honest, quite personal.
I’m in a completely different place than I was just 4 months ago, and I’m not just talking about the fact that I’m 6,000 miles from home.
February and March were some really hard months for me. I haven’t written much since then. I knew I wanted to write about what I had gone through, but I just wasn't sure how to frame it until a couple days ago. Right now, I’m going to settle for being brutally honest, even though it freaks me out just a little.
I was hoping to earn a starting position on my softball team this year. I put in the work exhaustively. I obsessed over it. When I was tired, when I didn’t want to run, when my legs were dead from weights earlier that morning, I reminded myself that if I pushed myself a little harder I would get closer and closer to this starting position. I became fixated on earning it, and I think it’s important to note my mindset was always on “earning” the position, not just “getting” it.
Throughout my sports career, I have always preferred to land myself on a team that intimidated me a little bit. Weird as it seems, I wanted to be the worst person on the team when I first joined - because I trusted that I would be able to put in the work and compete for a position. And it always worked out for me. I suppose this is the reason I came to think that my work ethic could get me anything I wanted.
However, sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. This year I did not end up in the starting role I had imagined myself in for over two years, and it was absolutely devastating. It felt as if I had failed. It felt as if I was never good enough. It felt as if there was no point… to anything.
I don’t normally struggle with anxiety, but I slid into a patch of anxiety so thick that I had to stop practice several times because I would have an anxiety attack and be unable to breathe. I was sad all the time. It was more common to have a bad day than a good day, and even on days where nothing really went wrong, I was still sad and tired and anxious, sometimes for no reason.
But, I made it through it! God was so good to me, both for putting me in that situation and for taking me out of it. God really worked in me during this time, and I knew I wanted to share His story, but wasn’t sure how to start.
Just a couple days ago, I stumbled upon a verse that made me realize - I wasn’t sure how to talk about those two months yet because I wasn’t sure what I had learned from it. Psalm 49:12 helped me make sense of my story.
People, despite their wealth, do not endure; they are like the beasts that perish. This is the fate of those who trust in themselves.
God, I am so guilty of trusting in myself. Please forgive me. When I went through a rough patch of anxiety and sadness, I could not endure because I was trusting in myself. I was trusting myself to be able to work hard enough to earn a starting position, and I was trusting myself to make the decision that a starting position was what was best for me, and that that was what I should be putting all my effort into. God, you have told me:
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23)
Lord, I did not guard my heart. I let worldly things creep in and take control. Thank you for allowing this situation to break my heart, even as tough as it was. It must have been hard to see me, your beloved child whom you cherish, go through so much pain. God, I’m so sorry for all the times I desperately cried out to you, asking you to change the situation, instead of asking you to change my heart. Thank you for that terrible couple of months, Lord, because it showed me just how devastating it is to put my hope in something other than You, how wrong things go when I trust in myself instead of you.
I know you’ve called me to be in this school and in this community for a reason, and you’ve been helping me see that there’s a possibility I was called to play softball at ISU for reasons other than succeeding in the sport I love. Help me to see YOUR reason and not my own, and help me to act upon it.
God, now I know. As far as softball goes, it’s not on me! I will work hard, and if you want me to play, I will play. If you want to use me in a different way and I do not play, then it is not my own failure to create for myself.
Change my heart, Lord. Help me to show others how to change theirs.